he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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