I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Welp...herpes.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
