she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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