here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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