Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
