We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
