is your mom at the bar?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
