New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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