You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
