I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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