Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
