my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
