Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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