So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
