If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
