Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
