Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
