Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
