Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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