I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
