i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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