apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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