I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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