and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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