There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize