life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
