I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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