Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my shit smells like andre
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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