Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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