All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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