so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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