just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
