if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
