i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize