i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
