guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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