I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
