Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Brb crying the tears of my youth
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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