His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
