after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
