shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
