Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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