Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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