The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
