and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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