Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize