Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
