What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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