um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
