somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
