i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
