I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
