he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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