when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
