So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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