I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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