im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
