Already got asked if we're dating
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
