we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
