She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i think i just lost a toe
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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