***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize