I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
