I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
