Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
