She said her name was "party"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Randomize
