dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
