everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
