I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
